“Sir! The Dog Ate My Homework!”

Remember that daft excuse from school? Nobody believed it, but it didn’t stop feckless pupils from trying it on.

Since I have developed Chronic Monday-it is (a condition of which I firmly disapprove),I feel almost that I am making the same silly comment.

I don’t believe in coincidences, yet the last few months have seen a range of minor disasters that would normally only arise in a drama.

In July I went on holiday, fell off a bike while cycling and cracked a rib. Back at work, I hobbled round, creaking and grumbling and slowly healing up. No sooner was I able to laugh and sneeze again without collapsing with howls of pain, then my back went into spasm. Twice.

I had Alliance & Leicester/ MBNA to thank for the severe stress that caused my back to lock. Last Monday I had to tell my team that I’d been assaulted by a very nasty woman in my own street. It was a bit shocking but fortunately no bones were broken (though I suspect the Police might well prefer it from an evidence point of view).

I can’t say too much about it now as the Police are currently investigating the crime but further details will follow in due course so watch this space... And then this weekend I succumbed to food poisoning, the gruesome details of which I will spare you. Suffice to say that despite copious quantities of Imodium and Milk of Magnolia (sic),I am still a delicate shade of green and blench pathetically at the exotic offer of dry toast and tea.

BUT: unlike most CM sufferers I have turned up for work and stay there (though the team always try to send me home. AND: I am convinced that the only way is up, baby. Speaking to my partner today, I grumbled that bad luck is supposed to go in threes.

I’ve had five pieces of bad luck. He replied (quite wittily, I thought, considering it was before 8am) that since I never do things by halves, perhaps I should expect six bad things to happen.

So I’m now sitting here in my tin hat, waiting for the final thing...... Wish me luck! 

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